FOUR THINGS by COLIN GEE
Excerpts from The Inconceivabible
In the vein of Borges’s A Universal History of Iniquity, The Inconceivabible is a whirlwind slapstick tour of the worst people in the Bible, from Cain to Judas, that concentrates on the fringe events and characters whose sin and shit just stuck in our craw, and makes no saint of Gawd himself. The names Maria de la Encarnacion, Juan Jose, Paco Haskins, Pampy, Rex, and Fido are freely interchanged for abuser and abused and passerby and puppy, though Fido tends to play the dog most of the time. Also making appearances are the Red Baron von Richthofen, the Generalísimo Porfirio Díaz, D.B. Cooper, our best friend Tony from second grade, and other paragons of modern mystery…The Prophet
One time, when Juan Jose was playing with his friends outside of town, fucking around in the dirt, he looked up and saw Paco Haskins go by. Juan Jose wanted badly to impress his friends, so he shouted, Hey guys! Look at old baldy! Keep on walking, baldhead! Juan Jose’s friends were shocked at his words and they stood up and dropped their sticks and rocks. Paco Haskins, looking straight at Juan Jose, cursed his soul to hell. As he did so, two mama grizzlies emerged from the forest and tore off Juan Jose’s head and arms and legs. But the bears did not so much as growl at the other children, who returned safely to their homes.
The Transfiguration
Paco Haskins had not been able to get any good wood in several weeks and he was starting to get worried.
Thing is completely unresponsive, he muttered, looking down in desperation.
Finally he decided to go up the mountain and he took with him Juan Jose and Maria de la Encarnacion, his faithful disciples. And when they reached the summit Paco Haskins was transfigured before them. His face and hair shone like the sun, his suit was of white polyester, and he was wearing dark shades. And he was seen speaking to Moses and Elijah, cracking hilarious jokes and gesticulating energetically.
Paco Haskins, cried Juan Jose and Maria de la Encarnacion in exultation. It is good for us to be here! If you want, we will pitch three tents: one for you, one for Moses, and one for Elijah.
We already have tents, replied Paco Haskins, casting his disciples a small scornful glance, and as he turned back to his friends Juan Jose and Maria de la Encarnacion saw that what Paco Haskins said was true.
Buried Treasure
Juan Jose appeared in the tabernacle in a pillar of cloud and spoke to Paco Haskins, the leader of the people, saying, Thou shalt die and rest with thy fathers in the land of Moab, Paco Haskins, but your people shall cross the Jordan and go whoring after other gawds and lust on forbidden honeys. And I swear by my own name, and Juan Jose said his own name, that I shall forsake them to their desires and many evils shall come upon them.
And Paco Haskins died in the mountains on the near side of the river, according to the word of Juan Jose. His eyes were as bright as the day he first laid them on Maria de la Encarnacion and his biceps still rippled like twin goats beneath his cloak. Juan Jose gathered up the body of Paco Haskins and hid it in a secret location, and the person who finds the body shall also lay claim to the heaps of pirate bullion, pearls, and jewel-encrusted sword hilts buried with him.
Tent and Vine
After the waters had receded from the peaks of the planet Earth, that badly matted planet at the time, Paco Haskins discovered vines of grapes as he was gathering nuts and roots in the valleys and began to make wine.
What’s gotten into dad? sneered Juan Jose, Paco Haskins’s youngest son, from whose loins a third of the planet would be repopulated. Hey, look everybody! My dad’s passed out drunk with no clothes on!
Everyone at the party turned in their leopard skins and saw that what Juan Jose said was true.
But Paco Haskins’s other sons took a leafy branch and, averting their eyes, covered his nakedness.
When Paco Haskins awoke, remembering how Juan Jose had made fun of him, his wrath was kindled and he cursed his son and his son’s descendants forever, saying, You’re a loser, Juan Jose, and your kids are going to be just like you.
Colin Gee (@ColinMGee) is founder and editor of The Gorko Gazette (@GorkoThe), a humor daily that publishes headlines, cartoons, reviews, and poetry. Work in Bullshit Lit, Misery Tourism, Expat Press, A Thin Slice of Anxiety, and elsewhere.